The room before #4 Captivated by fear …
#5 The Son’s room…
One would think that raising children would be so easy. All they do is eat, poop and sleep and somehow the parents never get sleep. There is the ketch. You need to give your old self and become the new roll that God has instore for you. Much like your marriage.
I will use the metamorphosis of the caterpillar. You are this worm or caterpillar eating away your life, from leaf to leaf you go until a day comes you decide to change you can’t help it .. Now there is no going back your body will change, but did your mind change also. It is like going up in rank. I have another bar or strip. I must think different. For metamorphosis is a full transformation. There is no other way.
New Living Translation Romans 12:2
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
I’m ashamed of not being a better father. I tell myself that I did not neglect or harm my children emotionally, but I did. I worked way to many hours and was not a involved because of my selfish nature. Thinking I was doing the right thing. “Stop complaining, there is food on the table and roof over your head.” I played video games and surfed the net for pornography to escape the reality that is did not know what I was doing as a father or a husband. Fought with my wife over both issues way too much. I even blamed my son for the pornography on the PC more than once, to stay out of trouble with my wife. That was so wrong for me to do in so many ways.
My life was a mess, searching for things I already had, unhappy with myself and choices I made, not know where my purpose came from or which direction I need to go. I had forgotten about God’s love for me and the plan he had for me.
I know now, what is means to sign up for to be a father. My relationship with my son suffered and to a point still suffers today. He is 30 now. We did not transition well to his independence. I’m so proud of him and tell him often, but I believe I may have scared him deeply by not being the father I should have been. I would like to think that my children were not afraid of me. But looking back I think that they were and to some respect still are. I struggling to find the door to open and let them know that I only care about them and love them as a Dad. Who has hurt them and is so sorry.
I Changed, I did not change well. Metamorphosis