#4 Captivated by fear …

This is a door I do not wish to share. I will open it, But it has been a long time and I have never shared. I don’t know how I will react by letting others in. Tread lightly this is really me.

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Breathing quickly I’m standing there

A twigs brakes in the distance echoing I don’t know what direction

I was 10

The car was stuck and we needed sand

Dad, “I know where sand is ”

We had been shoving all morning and it was cold

fingers were numb , but sweat  dripped off my forehead

I was bundled from head to toe

We had to go .. I don’t remember were

But we had to go.

The forecast was for 4 to 6

It was more like 10 to 12

“across the street down at the creek ” I said

I was proud I could help

It was fun working with Dad

I cross the street ….shovel and  Bucket in hand

I been in the woods before Hunting with Dad

This year we would go for Deer again.

There were deer tracks in the snow 2 maybe 3

Yes, there is sand I brake the ice and fill the bucket full

Another job done will

Dad will be Proud

another snap

It’s behind me

A man standing there

But there is something strange

“Wait,” he said

he should not be here

he should be cold

why does he have no clothes

brown boots that’s all

this was not right that’s all

I drop the bucket

shovel poised to fight as best a 10 year old can

He stopped all but his hand

touch me he said

2 steps back I ran

I didn’t understand

you should be here

you shouldn’t be asking this ….your a man

10 feet apart

I froze

He did what he came for and then ran

never touching me… how revolting that was

I was little

I watch him go

I never like the snow

why are men like this

I still don’t understand

Why do men force on the weak

Were was superman

I will be superman .. I know I can.

I ran back home

Never to tell …..I was scared as hell.

That day the world grew… I knew it was not safe.

I could not erase what I had seen with my eyes.

 

….I’m not tiny now and the rage is still within.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one of my favorite songs Hallelujah  I need to add to calm me

Just to hear the pure harmony of the word Hallelujah

 

I’m walking on a journey of self discovery

If any of you have to time to read “MY Vision PAGE

 

meaning of the song 

hal·le·lu·jah
exclamation
  1. 1.
    God be praised (uttered in worship or as an expression of rejoicing).
    “He is risen! Alleluia!”
noun
  1. 1.
    an utterance of the word “hallelujah” as an expression of worship or rejoicing.

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4 thoughts on “#4 Captivated by fear …

    • This is a hard question to reply to. The Journey itself is to help others in a counseling setting, But there is another road I must travel first which is my own counseling, because I can only help the client as far as I’m willing to go myself. Point meaning if I am talking with him or her about abuse and I have not dealt with my own shame, fear with abuse how would I ever expect them to move through and past theirs. I want to grow awareness of how my life experiences impact me in my relationships, my spirituality, and my everyday life, So that I better equipped to help clients. In order to do this I using a metaphor of a house with many closed doors and my job is to open and look inside. By how long I talk about each room and what is inside is dependent on how open I am. If I walk by a room, “Well I’m going to counseling so maybe I should look in that room” *** I could go on more if you would like ***

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    • Now for the real answer, I writing this post I became aware that my subconscious after this point in life became a superman figure and I modeled a lot of of what I thought were his behaviors the good ones. Never realised that he also was Flawed also.
      I tried to be perfect. This inturned wiped all the shame and fear away. This perfection was good for work, but not for home. I thought I was never wrong and boy was that a mistake. The hard part is this was good, but also bad for me to do.I helped a lot of people over my life, but never had friendships with them and that is the true link that I was missing … relationship

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