#2 The Front Door
continued for the #1 The Basics: Hello how do you Do…..
The Front Door
I sit here looking at this little cursor blink at me mocking me. I have had 3 cups of coffee, eaten breakfast, written the above and I’m still scared as hell to put anything down. I’ve fixed a laptop had snack another cup of coffee and now >>>
The pain we feel does not define us. The loneliness we feel does not define us. What we do with it does however. I have stuffed pain, hurt, and anger down so deep for so long…when it comes up like vile vomit spewing everywhere and on everyone . Why were we not created with a system reset button? (rhetorical)
A question to myself “How is God in this ?”
God has opened the door for me. He is at my side and will help me see the good in all things. I see him standing in front of me, “come down this path,” He calls. The path is bumpy and full of thorns full of heartache and despair, but “This is is the path I have chosen for you and
“I Will full it with grace and love.” He replied
Sad to say it took car wreck in August = CHANGED MY OUTLOOK ON LIFE
To see that I have locked down so many feeling and have not told anyone.
This vile anger poured out of me and I was horrified that I could be so dangerous with my actions and words. I could have hurt myself and or others. I was only millimeters and milliseconds away from this. I feel so ashamed that I let my guard down and failed. I was pounding my fists on the car steering wheel F*** ME over and over. This feeling ran over and over and the literal statement went on for hours. This was not anger it was well past that stage, it was “Rage” the direction of the rage was at me. I was falling apart. The straw was placed and I broke.
“That is not Ross.”
I’m not supposed to break. I’m calm and cool. Strong but quiet, not imposing, but with much depth and incite full when asked. The quiet guy down the street who can fix anything, but not anyone buddy, but not himself nor his wife nor his kids. This is how I felt.
I don’t dream very often, but this one was very vivid. Many things relax me. Yoga, walking in nature, fishing. The dream was –
I was on a bank of a pond, no it was pier 20 feet up, no it was boat all were flashes clear as day finally I was like floating above the water. All scenes had a rod in the water and a fish pulling and me reeling in. and me thinking WOW this is a Big fish and the actions start. I tighten the drag. What pound line do I have on the reel , will it hold? will it break? boy I would like to catch this fish…..more in the The Foyer.. Which way now?
What led me to this? That is My Story. I invite you to walk with me.
Photo From the http://www.reddoorkc.com/